A year ago yesterday, I was walking across the outdoor stage on the St. Olaf football field in ninety degree heat, swimming in the sweat produced under my black graduation cap and gown. As uncomfortable as I was physically at that time, I remember mentally being at peace. After four years, I had completed all the necessary requirements to achieve a college degree - what I believed to be the ticket to unlocking dreams, success, and happiness - and I was ready to move on to bigger and better things: getting married, finding a job, living on my own, and making it in the adult world. Looking at the pictures taken that day, I remember the hopefulness in my eyes and my heart at that time.
It's hard to believe that only a year has passed since so many things in my life have changed: my job(s), my residence, and, most notably, my last name. I love being married to Andrew; he is the light of my life and my rock in good times and in bad. He truly is my other half, and I am so grateful to have him by my side for the rest of my life. One thing I admire most about him is his resiliency: two days after we got married last August, he began the grueling four-year journey through medical school at the University of Minnesota, and he has taken the challenge head-on. It was quite a shift for him to go from an undergraduate to a medical student, but he took it all in stride, even while we spent the first six months of our marriage living with my parents. He braved the Minneapolis bus system, reached out to new friends and future colleagues at the U, and adjusted to the clinical practices he will have to use as a doctor. I am so proud of him and what he has accomplished in the past year.
Even through the hard times, I know that Andrew still has the hope in his heart that I felt one year ago; for me, that feeling of hopefulness can be added to the list of things that have changed in the past year. Last year, my dreams for after graduation included me standing in front of a high school English class talking about the nuances of classical and contemporary literature or sitting next to a student working through their college admission essay. In my mind, the life of a teacher, though it comes with its own challenges, would be a life of excitement. No two days, weeks, months, or years would ever be the same, and while that idea sounds horrifying for the planner in me, that type of change is something I know I would embrace whole-heartedly.
After applying to countless jobs in schools across the metro, I am starting to think that it is not in the cards for me to make it as a teacher at this particular time. Last week when I got an email from a local high school saying I had made it through their preliminary round of applicants, I couldn't believe it. I wrote the essay for the next required step with thought and care, and although I said to numerous people that I didn't think anything would happen with the job, I secretly hoped that this would be the school to finally discover me. Today, an email in my inbox confirmed that I really shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. Why did I think this job prospect would be any different than the others?
I think back to my student teaching experience, and I remember why I want to be a teacher. I remember the interactions with the students before and after class, the deep discussions that lead to new ways of thinking for both me and the students, and the joy washing over me when I saw a concept finally "click" with a student after re-explanation. Despite the hard times of those twelve weeks of student teaching, the moments that I came away with after the first semester of my senior year will be hard to beat.
Whether or not my job description is "full-time teacher" at this point in my life shouldn't get me down; rather, I should embrace the aspects of my personality that make me a great teacher - my patience, my enthusiasm, and my love of learning - and put them to use in my life now. Whatever plans God has in store for me in the months and years ahead are anyone's guess, but I would be doing myself a disservice to relinquish my true personality when things don't go my way.
With that in mind, I decided today to go back to the roots of my personality and start writing a blog. For as long as I can remember, I have loved being able to express myself on paper through stories or journal entries. Blogging will give me the opportunity to express my thoughts in an eloquent and succinct way and leave me a road map of where I've been so I can see my development over time. Additionally, I want to use this blog as a way to "publish" some of the writing I am most proud of. Although some pieces are personal, I know that even the most personal stories can speak universal messages.
I know that in time, my hopefulness will return. Maybe a year from now, I will be teaching in a classroom, living the image I conjured up in my dreams a year ago. Or maybe not. For now, I have to believe in the possibility of positive change, and actively make myself a part of that change if I want it to happen.
Turn the page, Kayla. It's time to begin a new chapter.
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